


dynamite with a laser beam

by appomattox, beetlejuicy



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Crack, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-26
Updated: 2020-03-26
Packaged: 2021-02-28 22:41:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,097
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23334814
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/appomattox/pseuds/appomattox, https://archiveofourown.org/users/beetlejuicy/pseuds/beetlejuicy
Summary: Kylo has a theory.(Hux experiences a microaggression.)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 11





	dynamite with a laser beam

**Author's Note:**

> title from killer queen. no reason.
> 
> in my mind this takes place a couple years before TFA but the timeline doesn't matter all that much. it's not compliant with the phasma novel regardless.

Kylo has a theory.

The seed of it formed during a battle against a New Republic cruiser. A barrage of torpedoes had struck the _Finalizer_ ’s hull and Kylo had looked at Hux just in time to see him wince, as if physically pained.

It germinated months later when Kylo was channeling the Dark Side into a console by way of his lightsaber; Hux had stormed in and shouted some things, face red. Kylo took one last swipe at the console, sending sparks flying, and Hux had jumped back — once again, as if he had taken the blow himself.

Now, Kylo has amassed several gigabytes of observations on his datapad. The mounting evidence is damning. The fact that the general seems to rarely sleep, and he never eats in the communal mess halls like the other officers do, and the way he stares off into space during bridge duty, inanimate. He’s notably courteous to the droids aboard-ship, too, even the mouse droids. It all points to Kylo’s theory being correct.

General Armitage Hux is a droid, and he’s intimately connected to the _Finalizer_.

There are some things that don’t add up: for one, he’s seen Hux leave the ship, albeit begrudgingly, on a few occasions. If Hux is truly connected to it, shouldn’t he stay on board whenever possible? Those excursions hadn’t been emergencies. But then, perhaps he left in order to throw others off the scent. In that case, his leaving the ship is actually evidence in favor of Kylo’s theory.

Kylo sits alone in his dark quarters and smirks to himself. Yes, he’s mostly got it figured out. There are a few questions he ought to answer, though, and some more data to collect before he presents the evidence to Snoke. He glances at the chrono. Hux’s bridge shift is just coming up — the perfect time to observe him without being questioned.

⁂

“Thank you, lieutenant, that will be all,” Hux says dismissively as Kylo enters the bridge. He hardly acknowledges the newcomer, simply flicking his eyes up to glance absently at him before turning his back and gazing through the viewports into the hyperspace stream the _Finalizer_ is currently cutting through.

The lieutenant squeezes past Kylo on her way to the exit, being very careful not to come into contact with him. Kylo makes no attempt to move for her.

He steps up beside Hux and looks out the viewport, trying to discern what makes the view so interesting.

After a few silent seconds, Kylo says, “I hear they’re serving bantha steak in the officer’s mess today.”

Hux squints at him out of the corner of his eye, brow furrowed skeptically. “Are they,” he says, too flatly-intoned to be a real question.

Kylo nods. “Do you… like bantha steak?”

Hux hums noncommittally and pulls out his datapad.

Interesting. Kylo retrieves his own datapad from a fold in his cloak and taps out a note: _shows no enthusiasm for bantha steak_.

“What are you doing?” Hux gives him his full attention now.

“Nothing. Work.”

“You don’t _do_ anything. What are you typing?” He reaches for Kylo’s datapad but Kylo pulls it away. Predictably unwilling to make a scene, Hux crosses his arms and fumes.

“Don’t worry about it. Are you sure you don’t want to get bantha steak?”

Hux stares at him, dumbfounded, his jaw hanging open slightly. “Is this— Are you—?” He stops to collect himself. “I’m not doing this. No, thank you.” He returns to his datapad, tapping furiously.

Kylo glances at Hux’s datapad and catches glimpses of text. Messaging, by the looks of it. He can just make out a snippet, although the very left edge is obscured by Hux’s thumb:

> _could file a sexual  
>  _ _rassment claim._

An odd conversation for the general to have; Kylo would have thought his rank was too high to leave him dealing with matters of HR. He wonders if sexual harassment is an issue on the _Finalizer_ , and decides to keep an eye out for unsavory characters. Then he wonders who Hux is messaging.

Kylo blinks. He just got an idea.

⁂

There’s one person alive who knows the general well enough to give Kylo the answers he seeks. He finds her in the mess hall.

All conversation ceases when he steps into the room. Heads glance up, then return to their tables, and conversation resumes.

He makes his way through the maze of tables and sits across from Phasma. She sinks her teeth into a protein block and chews lazily, looking down at him with an aura of ennui.

He furtively glances around the room, eye movements hidden behind his mask, and then leans forward, speaking lowly, but not so low that his modulator is unable to pick up his voice, “I have a few questions.”

Phasma swallows her bite. “The secret is to find the clitoris; I can send you diagrams if you’re having trouble with that.”

Kylo recoils. “No, that’s not what I’m asking about. The opposite, actually.”

Phasma raises an eyebrow. “Broadening your horizons, then? I can’t help you there, although I imagine I could ask the general and relay his answers—”

“ _Stop_. He’s who I’m asking about.”

She makes a face like she just smelled something offensive, mixed with a smidge of pity. “I very much doubt he’s interested, Ren.”

He slams a fist down on the table, momentarily interrupting the room’s dull roar once again. “This isn’t about—” He lowers his voice to the faintest whisper, “ _Sex_.” The word doesn’t make it through his voice modulator, but Phasma appears to understand regardless.

“Stop beating about the bush, then,” she says, taking another bite.

Kylo takes a moment to formulate a question that won’t reveal his hand too early. “Does he...sleep?”

Phasma laughs, mouth full of beige synthesized protein. “How long have you two worked together, and you’ve only just noticed? No, of course he doesn’t _sleep_.”

Kylo’s eyes go wide behind his mask. “Does he eat?”

“Not enough for any normal human.” She shrugs.

“What do you mean by that?” he asks quickly.

She furrows her brow at him. “What do I—? He hides behind his greatcoat, but, Ren, surely you’ve noticed how thin he is.”

He sits back, disappointed. Maybe Phasma doesn’t know after all. “Is that all?”

“Is _what_ all? What could you possibly be—” She stops suddenly, eyes widening slightly before she can catch herself, and rubs her mouth. “Ah. I see. So, you’ve finally figured it out.”

“ _Yes_ ,” Kylo says, leaning forward again. “I was right? Hux is a droid?”

Phasma jolts in an odd combination of a hiccup and a cough; her protein block must have gone down wrong. One side of her face twitches as she nods. “Yes.” She clears her throat. “A droid.”

“Tell me everything.”

“Oh? Why should I?”

Kylo slumps and gazes thoughtfully down at the table, trying to come up with a reason she’d betray her best ally — and, perhaps, friend — for him. He can’t think of any motivator that might work.

“Fine,” she says flatly, “you’ve convinced me.”

“I have?” He looks back up at her.

“On one condition.”

He nods.

“ _Nobody_ hears of this.” Her tone and expression brook no argument.

He nods again.

“Alright.” She clasps her hands on the table. “What do you want to know?”

He starts with the first question that comes to mind. “Does he actually gain sustenance from food?”

“Yes, he can metabolize food.” She hesitates for a split second. “But he prefers plasma.”

“Plasma?” he repeats, mind jumping to the lightsaber on his belt. Could Hux—?

“I once witnessed him consume a blaster bolt in mid-air without taking damage. He said he’d never felt more energized.” She leans in conspiratorially. “I can only imagine how powerful he’d become if he consumed something like… a kyber crystal, perhaps.”

Kylo shakes his head in disbelief. “Who could create such a machine? And why?”

Phasma studies him. “Who created him? The Emperor, of course, in his final years. Hux is modeled after Lord Vader.”

Kylo nearly screams. He pushes himself up from the table, the Force distorting around him, and storms out of the mess hall. In the corridor, he slams his fist into the wall, the pain running up his arm only serving to feed his anger. Darth Vader?! Kylo would show Hux who Vader’s _true_ successor was. A mouse droid scurries around him and he kicks at it, sending it careening down the corridor.

“ _Ren_.” The sharp voice pulls him out of his rage and he spins, finding General Hux striding toward him. Hux continues: “That’s First Order property, not your plaything; you’re responsible for any damages.”

Kylo scoffs. “Looking out for your own kind, General?” He looms over Hux and hisses, “I know what you are.”

Hux looks incredulous. “What the kark are you talking about?”

Kylo doesn’t deign to respond, instead whipping around and stalking off down the corridor. He has an endgame to plan.

⁂

He grew up around droids; he knows how they behave. If Kylo had to guess, Hux is a protocol droid, but he also contemplates that a new classification might be necessary to define Hux. He acts like C-3PO in many respects, sure, but the similarities end there. Hux is, after all, advanced enough to appear outwardly human to all but the sharpest observers.

Still, his resemblance to Threepio can’t be discounted, since understanding his behavior is the first step in effecting his downfall. Kylo reaches for his datapad and— wait. He pats down his pockets, coming up empty. His _datapad_. He whips his head around, searching the room. It’s nowhere to be seen.

A thorough search leaves him with piles of debris strewn across his floor, and still without his datapad. He slaps the door controls and storms out of his quarters into the empty corridor, not stopping to put on his mask. He thinks back on where he’d been since he last used the datapad. The mess hall. But if he’d left it there at Phasma’s table, and if she’d seen it, then she surely would have handed it off to Hux; those two were always out to get him.

He makes his way to the mess where he’d spoken with Phasma before, but just before rounding the last corner, he hears Hux’s voice. He flattens himself against the wall and listens.

“Honestly, I’m relieved it’s something this idiotic,” Hux says. “After what he said, I feared I’d have to schedule mandatory diversity classes for him, and that’s such a pain; he’d probably throw a fit about it, too.” A beat. “Maybe I should do that anyway, just in case. If anyone’s backwards enough to need it, he is.”

“I agree. He won’t like it, though, and may retaliate against you,” Phasma replies.

Hux laughs. “I have the utmost faith in your ability to swiftly deal with any retribution he might attempt.”

“I’m flattered, General.”

“Meet me in the officers’ lounge this evening? I have to tell you about this Mirialan I met on that planet we just held negotiations on. Which planet was that? Anyway, _sweet stars_ , he—” Hux lowers his voice, so Kylo can’t hear any more about his Mirialan, which is a blessing.

So, diversity classes? They’re right; Kylo despises that idea. When has he ever said something that would make them think he needs diversity training? Was it the incident with the mouse droid? Of course Hux would make him attend a droid tolerance seminar, seeing as Hux himself _is_ a droid.

Kylo rounds the corner, prepared to confront General Hux at last—

And runs right into him. Kylo plants his feet, immobile, while Hux bounces off him, staggering, the shock on his face quickly replaced with annoyance. Kylo would have thought a droid would fare better in a collision.

“Ah, Ren,” Hux says, lip curling, seemingly unfazed by Kylo’s bare face. “I believe this is yours.” He offers the datapad, just like that, no bribe or trick or plea for silence.

Kylo hesitates, expecting the other shoe to drop at any moment.

Hux shoves the datapad at him insistently.

Kylo takes it.

Hux clasps his hands behind his back. “You really should encrypt your data, you know,” he says, smirking, before continuing on his way down the corridor.

Kylo gapes. He _knows_. Hux knows that Kylo knows and he’s not going to do anything about it? No, Hux must have some plan for disposing of anyone who figures out his secret; buying a person’s silence isn’t final enough.

Snoke wouldn’t allow Kylo to be dealt with like that. Would he?

**Author's Note:**

> we're [beetlejuwuicy](https://beetlejuwuicy.tumblr.com/) & [denimsnake](https://denimsnake.tumblr.com/) on tumblr :)


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